The other day I woke up with a heavy, homesick heart. In my dreams I had been in Seoul. Ignoring the part of the dream where I kidnapped a small child at the wedding of my former boss, it was a perfect reunion with the city I called home for two years.
But I woke up in my bed in London. And even though it was a beautiful spring day, the kind that usually has me so thankful to be in this city, I wished I wasn’t here.
A few hours later I read Waegook Tom’s post about the food he misses most from Korea.
Shortly after, Sheryll posted some beautiful pictures from her weekend in Seoul.
My mind began to wander to what I’d do if I could go back to Seoul. I would eat dalk galbi, galmaegisal, kimchi jjigae, and cheese donkkaseu at my favorite restaurants. I would drink makkeoli at Han River Park on Yeouido. I would wander down the streets of Cheonho, the neighborhood where I lived my first year in Seoul, and notice the familiar neon signs written in what was once an unfamiliar script. I would spend a night drinking until sunrise in Hongdae. I’d hike a mountain and take in the cityscape- all the tall white buildings built in clusters. And a little less seriously, I’d get my magic straight redone.
My dream and my daydreams led me to Kayak. I knew what the results would be before I pressed the find flights button.
Out of my price range. Way out of my price range.
A return to Seoul is not happening now. In fact, it probably won’t happen for a while.
The hardest part of being a temporary expat or traveler is having to say goodbye to the places that meant a lot to you. When I left Korea a little over a year ago I wrote about how much the country had changed me. But besides the bigger impact, Korea was the first place out of college where I had a life. I had my own apartment, a job with a steady paycheck, a group of friends, and a serious relationship. I had my local restaurants, a daily routine, and my favorite bars. The dry cleaner always recognized me (probably because I was the only foreigner who went there), I had a preferred ramyeon, and got used to shoving chopsticks and spoons into communal food. I was content, happy even.
Was it stupid to give up a life like that?
I knew I couldn’t achieve my long term goals if I stayed in Korea. Teaching wasn’t a job I enjoyed and being an English teacher in Korea doesn’t really lead to much career advancement. I can’t speak the language and even if I did, I have no desire to work 12 hour workdays as a corporate drone. And as much as I love the country, it’s not a place that is incredibly welcoming to foreigners.
By the end of my two years there I was ready to move on. The more frustrating aspects of Korean culture were wearing my patience thin. I was ready to travel. A lot of my close friends had already left the country for opportunities elsewhere. I couldn’t settle down just yet.
So I shipped my belongings back to the States, packed a bag, and hit the road for a few months. I said goodbye to my friends and ate at my favorite foods one last time. I accepted a place on a Master’s course in the United Kingdom. I came back to the US. I ended my relationship. I moved to London.
I am happy in London and though my heart still aches for the places I’ve left it around the world, I know I made the right decision. As hard as it is to say goodbye to people and places that shape you, sometimes you need to move on.
Have you ever left your heart somewhere?
I can completely understand this Amanda. I lived and worked in Australia for 2 years and then did the same in New Zealand before coming back to England last year and moving to London.
I’m so happy in London, but I sometimes (often, actually) long for my feet in the sand in Bondi or hanging out in my apartment with my friends in Auckland. I miss it, and I had an amazing life over there, but London was a new start for me.
It kind of sounds like it’s a new start for you too? And I hope you’re enjoying our (somewhat unpredictable) British weather
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I’m glad someone can relate. It’s hard to have a life somewhere and have to leave it behind, but sometimes it is for the better. It was also a new start for me which at first was hard, but really, is there a better place in the world to make a new start?
Honestly, the weather hasn’t been as bad as I thought! And this past week has been so, so lovely.
MAGIC STRAIGHT UGHHH. They burnt my hair in Thailand and I’m so scared to get it done again. I’d fly back just for that….
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I knew you’d relate to that. Growing it out is an epic disaster.
I’ve lived in Korea for 3 years and the thought of leaving at the end of the year feels really bittersweet. I love Korea and I know I’m going to miss so many things about living here… The food, the people and the sights! At the same time, 3 years is a long time and I’m ready for a change. I’m sure there’s a post similar to this one once I leave Korea though!
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Bittersweet is the perfect word to describe it. It’s hard sometimes, but ultimately the right choice. Good luck with your post-Korea life!
This was the perfect post to read today, Amanda. I’m getting ready to move from a place that I know I’ll miss every day for the rest of my life. It’s the right move, but it’ll be a tough one. Glad to know I’m not the only one who misses just about every place they’ve ever been
…and, oh man, what I wouldn’t give for pot of makkeoli to share with a few good friends.
It’s always hard to leave a place that held significance in your life. And yes, I miss pretty much every place I’ve spent at least 3 days in
Good luck, Laura! I hope we can share some makkeoli and a k-pop dance party sometime in the future.
You’re preaching to the choir here. I actually did enjoy teaching (doing it again now in Taiwan!) but the whole work environment itself wasn’t too great – and there was zero potential for career advancement at both my jobs there. I find myself missing Korea sporadically, but then I think about all the things that were bugging me towards the end of my time there. The only thing keeping me there really was my (now ex) boyfriend. I liked it there, but I didn’t love it.
One of my posts that I’ll publish later today is similar-ish in tone to your final words here, about knowing you’re in the right place at the right time. Korea will always have a special place in my heart, and I don’t know when I’ll be back again, but likely not this year, at least.
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Yeah, I think as bad as it may sound sometimes thinking of the negatives is the best way to remember why you left a place and why it was a good idea. I’m glad you are loving Taipei!
Aw, Amanda, what traveler is immune to this special type of “homesickness”? It is always hard to say goodbye, and it is hard to have so many homes all over the world, so many people to miss at any given time.
There is a quote that describes this perfectly. It really speaks to me.
“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.” ― Miriam Adeney
It is the price we travelers pay for living this kind of life. And it’s a beautiful life, isn’t it?
Thank you for writing this post.
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Thank your for the comment! That is a beautiful quote that very accurately describes this kind of pain.
Beautifully said. I will be in the same situation soon as I am getting ready to move from Cape Town after living here for 6 years back to Hamburg. For very similar reasons that you have mentioned and while it is all so new and exciting now, I know that there will be days when I will miss it so terribly, because I love it. But I think just with any relationship sometimes love is not enough and that’s why we move on literally or figuratively even if it hurts.
Love not being enough is probably the perfect way to describe it. There has to be something more there. Good luck with your move!
I left my heart in Mexico (I say as I make my way to Korea).
I know I didn’t get the chance to come back down to London to meet up with you again but if you do ever want to take a little trip back to Korea, you can always come and crash with me – even if my place is on the opposite side of the country to Seoul. x
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I hope you love Korea enough to leave a piece of your heart there. Good luck with everything and if I somehow make it to Asia in the next year I’ll be making a trip down to Naju xx
I left my heart in the Arab world after being an expat in Abu Dhabi for three years. I too left when the annoyances started to outweigh the benefits. I got tired of the flat and the sand and went home to mountains and organic and the biking to work that I missed in the Pacific North West.
But after the honeymoon period of being home work off (6 months I think), I really missed Abu Dhabi and my people there. So about a week ago I came back. Three years have passed but it’s like I never left. I know where everything is, and I’ve picked up with my friends as if I’ve never left. It got me thinking about when it’s a good idea to go back – to a place or a job or a relationship – and when it’s not. http://skywithlemon.com/four-reasons-not-to-go-back/ But in this case, coming back to my former expat home was a great idea.
There is definitely a honeymoon period. I didn’t miss Korea for the first few months I was back. I’m glad to know that returning is sometimes the right option. It gives me hope that maybe sometime it could be the right time. I’ll take a look at your post. Thanks for the comment!
This was a great first post to read of yours. I just saw your site from Jessica saying she’s having a blogging meet up with you. I am happily in India for the last 1.5 years but I’m sure if I left, my heart would stay here.
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Thanks Rachel! Actually, Ashley (of Ashley Abroad) told me about your blog last week and I was just checking it out! It’s great
Aw, Amanda, I get this 100%. I spent 7 years living in Nashville and largely complained the entire time about how it wasn’t the right place for me and how I knew I couldn’t stay there forever. And yet, by the time we left, it really had come to feel like home and even now, 2 years later, I sometimes find myself thinking of it longingly and realizing it still feels like home.
Also, Tony & I just wrapped up 3 months of living in Ho Chi Minh City, not long all things considered, but long enough that it felt like home too and we now miss it so much as well. In that case we didn’t really want to move on, but the universe has conspired to make it so that we had to go. I know we’ll be back again some day, but I know it (and we!) won’t be quite the same.
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I can completely relate, Steph. I’ve lived in places I thought I hated (Philadelphia was a big one), but once I left all I could think about was what I liked about the place. And I can imagine not wanting to leave HCMC! I was there for only 5 days and had a hard time moving on. Good luck with the move!
Lovely post. That’s definitely the hardest part about living abroad. Isn’t there a quote about leaving little pieces of your heart everywhere you go?
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about long-term goals and whether or not I can achieve those as a foreigner living in Spain. Maybe not…and I know it would be really, really difficult to leave. The almost constant heartache is tough!
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I think there is! I’ll have to look it up. I think expats tend to look to the future more than those who are in their home countries because the future is uncertain, which does lend to constant stress and headaches! Good luck with your decision!
Lol – I’m going to Seoul next month. My 5th trip – can’t get enough of this city!
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I am so jealous! Enjoy your time there and eat a lot for me