Coming home after spending a long time abroad is a strange process. In some ways it can feel good to be back with friends, family, and everything familiar; but other times it can feel like all your happiness was slowly drained out on the flight back.
These are the seven stages of repatriation. The time spent at each stage and intensity of feelings will vary, but this is what it’s like to come home.
1. Denial
It’s time to leave the place you’ve most recently called home. It’s not your home home. It’s not the country of your passport. It’s home in your heart, but for some reason, maybe visa issues or lack of funds, you can’t call it home anymore.
So you book a ticket and get on a plane and stare out the window not ready to say goodbye.
You couldn’t really be leaving your friends, your flat, your favorite food, the city of your dreams with no return ticket, could you? No way. It was not possible.
Soon enough, though, you’re surrounded by American flags and handing your passport to a border patrol officer and you can’t deny it any longer. You are back.
2. Excitement
Once it becomes apparent that the lengthy flight you just disembarked wasn’t actually a dream everything you missed about your home country, and all the new things on offer, become so so SO exciting.
Oh wow! Taco Bell serves breakfast now!
My favorite beer is everywhere!
I can call my friends when I’m awake because we are no longer separated by a 13 hour time difference!
There are PRETZEL M&Ms?!
My mom can cook me dinner!
Clothes at Target are SO cheap!
This US dollar to US dollar exchange rate is AWESOME!
3. Confusion
Things start to get real when the haze of excitement burns off. Your old normal now seems strange. You forget to leave a tip. You have a hard time making small talk with the cashier because you just spent two years in a country where you couldn’t communicate. You don’t know which way to look when you cross the street. You forgot how big a small soda is.
Then there’s confusion about current events and pop culture. Maybe you don’t know that Ashton Kutcher just had a baby with Mila Kunis because you think he’s still with Demi Moore or that Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel are two separate people. Then there’s that time when a song comes on you exclaim how much you just love this new song and everyone exclaims that this song is nearly a year old and so over.
Reverse culture shock is real.
4. Contentedness
There then comes a time when you think, “Oh, I’ve got this.” You get a job and see your friends for the first time in years and everything seems to fall right into place. The grocery store seems like a magical place because you can find avocados and cheese and when you go to the mall no one laughs you at of the store saying “too big, too big”. Everything seems so easy and you wonder why you ever left.
5. Anger
Once the novelty of a regular life starts to wear off, memories of your old home start to creep again. Why aren’t you in Paris for the weekend right now with your friends? BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD SPONSOR YOUR VISA, THAT’S WHY. And you’re angry because it seems so stupid and like there’s such an easy solution. But that solution is just out of reach and instead of Paris you’re stuck driving to Indianapolis for the weekend.
6. Sadness
Did you know an Instagram of a sandwich could make your cry? Now you do. Because it was your favorite sandwich being eaten in the park where you used to picnic every weekend by your best friend. As the anger subsides, sadness takes it place. It’s an all consuming pity party of one thinking about everything you’re missing.
7. Acceptance…or escape
Repatriation can end in two ways: you either accept your new life back home or you don’t. For some being surrounded by the familiar soon becomes comforting. Maybe you find a job you like, an apartment to decorate, and someone to date and you settle down and stay.
Others run away as fast as they can. You realize that you’ll never be happy with the life you had before. The place you once called home has stayed the same, but you’ve changed. The people you once called friends seem like distant strangers and sometimes it’s even hard to find a connection with family.
The world beckons.
Life at home is easy.
Like abroad is exciting. It’s challenging. It’s life changing.
You’re leaving again. Repatriation be damned.
How have you dealt with a big change?
LOVE this. Pictures of sandwiches, bottles of wine and old views I used to see everyday made me cry all.the.time. I had to ban Instagram when I left Australia until I could deal with it.
Laura recently posted..The Story of Charlie and Margery
I’m glad I’m not the only one who is an emotional mess about missing small things
Thanks Laura!
Aha I LOVE this! I’ve never been an expat but when traveling and having to come home afterwards I go through these exact stages. Love the GIFS too I’m literally dying of laughter!!
Andrea recently posted..7 Free Things You Must Do in Toronto
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Ahhh I love this Amanda! Even though I didn’t see any American flags when I returned from my stints abroad, I can relate to everything in here so much! Coming home is really the hardest part about leaving!
Julika recently posted..I Dreamed a Dream
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And I’d be REALLY worried if there were American flags at the arrivals hall in Germany!
Yes to all of this! Coming home was almost harder than leaving. You’re so excited about coming back then it’s just…status quo. So boring and meeting new people is not exciting because nobody else has done anything like you have so you have nothing to talk about.
Katrina the Two Week Traveler recently posted..Defying Death at Pacaya Volcano, Guatemala
Exactly! It is so hard to get used to the day to day routine of things again…boring.
haha- I remember these stages all too well but I expect when I go home this spring it will be hard all over again. I do like the idea of being able to buy avocados and the buy clothes that aren’t size XXXXL (thanks Asia)
Rebekah recently posted..Misadventures in Teaching- Round 2
I feel like it’s not something you can prepare yourself for, even if you’re ready and know it’s coming! But trust me, it’s so nice not being super sized anymore
Fabulous post Amanda!! Can totally relate. Especially the confusion about pop culture, I was overseas for six years but have been back in Australia for 8 years now and I still haven’t caught up.
Amanda Kendle (Not A Ballerina) recently posted..Should experienced travellers go to Bali? A note from my own experience
Yeah, I was only gone for 4ish years so I can’t imagine how it must be returning after a almost decade!
Love this post! And I’m in the denial phase that one day soon I will be going through all of these stages. Did you find one stage to be particularly difficult to get through? Everyone tells me that going back is harder than going abroad, and I’m bracing myself for what’s to come!
Sara @ Simply Sara Travel recently posted..5 Hidden Gems in Poland: Guest Post by Karolina and Patryk
It is so hard. And it’s weird because some days I’ll be totally fine and then one little thing will set me off. I think the sadness or anger is hardest just because it’s not something you can really control. I try really hard to focus on the positives, but like I said, there are still days that suck. Good luck with your transition!
Yes Yes and Yes. This is way too true. Reverse culture shock will get out, after you get over having trader joes and normal grocery stores back that is….
haha very true. That first trip back to Trader Joe’s is magical.
Ha – its been three months, and I think I am squarely in stage 3. It’s going to be a long process – now the question is where will I end up acceptance or escape? thank you for a fun diversion!
Jenia from HTL recently posted..Hanoi to Hoi An by Motorcycle
What a fun post, I was literally laughing! I have never been abroad for more than a month or so but those stages seem so real and I can relate very much to it. Great and lovely post! Kisses,
Vera
Thanks Vera!
When I first read this I felt speechless. Honestly, I don’t want to know what it’s like. I am happy with my expat life even if it has been less than 6 months. I can’t imagine going back. And right now, I can’t even imagine visiting. Right now it feels as though life before expat life but just training wheels…once you take them off you don’t put them back on. For so many reasons, reading blogs like yours makes me so emotional. But it reminds me that it’s not just me, there are so many out there that get “it”. Thank you for getting “it” and sharing this experience!
Jessica C. (A Wanderlust For Life) recently posted..Making the Most of Amsterdam
Thank you for reading! I agree, blogging is such a great way to connect like minded people and to make you think that you’re not completely crazy for living this life. Hopefully your expat life isn’t temporary and you keep on finding places that make you happy
After two years, I was ready to leave China and happy to go home for a while. But I can already tell you that I will be crying my eyes out when it’s time to leave Latvia!
Heather recently posted..A Dog Sledding Adventure in Latvia
Yeah, it’s super weird when you are ready to leave somewhere and then don’t feel at home at home…but leaving somewhere you don’t want is infinitely worse. I don’t want you to leave Latvia because you seem to love it so much
You hit the nail on the head with this one. I think I went through repatriation in between leaving Mexico and going to Korea. 11 months in the UK was just brutal. I was so ready to escape again.
Ceri recently posted..The Beauty in My Beauty School
Right?! It’s like after being an expat going home makes you want to leave more than you did in the first place…
Hi:
stumbled upon your blog doing research for a couple of projects I’m working on. Interesting post and something they never tell you about when you decide to move overseas. Wife and I came back to Austin in Dec. 2013 after 17 1/2 years of teaching in Korea and even now 16+ plus months after coming back we are still dealing with reverse culture shock on occasion. Best advice I can give now is it’s going to take time, there will be good days and days you will want to jump on the next plane out. don’t do that
chuck recently posted..18 times El Arroyo made you literally laugh out loud
Wow! 17.5 years! I can’t even imagine. I ended up jumping on that plane and don’t regret it! At least for now, full time life in the US isn’t for me. Good luck with your transition!