It’s been quiet for the past couple of weeks over here. Partially because I was in Cologne visiting a friend and then friends came to London to visit, but mostly because I couldn’t write.
I would sit down in front of the computer and the words just wouldn’t come. I’d look at pictures of delicious things I’d eaten and feel uninspired. I’d think back about the few amazing days I’d spent in Budapest and just think “eh”.
Why was it impossible for me to squeeze out even a few half decent sentences?
Stress. Major stress.
My looming dissertation due date is one constant source of anxiety, but I was mostly worried about what would happen after that. Would I stay in London and try to scrape together some under the table employment while looking for someone to actually sponsor a work visa? Or would I board my Detroit bound flight on August 28 without a return ticket?
As that August date started to loom closer, I knew I needed to make a decision. I would need either need to find someone to take over my room in my flat or book a return flight to London.
After a lot of debate- with myself, with family, and with friends- I have decided to return to the United States.
It’s not a decision I’m a hundred percent on. In fact, I’m a little bit terrified. I haven’t lived there in four years. I’m so out of place on the American career ladder. I don’t feel like I know how to act American enough anymore.
But then I realized that I wasn’t going to be a hundred percent comfortable with either decision. That I just had to make one and work damn hard to make myself happy with it.
In the end a lot of it came down to the fact that I miss my family a whole lot. I’ve really never been super homesick while living abroad. Until this year. I realized that I am missing out on huge parts of the lives of the people who are most important to me. My parents just moved into a house I’ve never seen. I missed my sister’s college graduation. My cousins have kids I’ve never met or met once. I haven’t celebrated a Thanksgiving with my family since 2008. As my parents get older my biggest fear is that something will happen to them and I will regret only having spend a few weeks with them over the past half decade.
So while I am somewhat scared of reintegrating into American society, I’m also extremely excited. I’m excited for the ability to visit friends for a weekend or to go to Ann Arbor and watch a football game. I can’t wait to have screens in my window and air conditioning and to use Fahrenheit. I look forward to building a life, one that isn’t consumed by visa regulations and end dates.
Do I know what I’ll be doing when I move back or where I’ll be moving?
Not yet.
I’ve started looking for jobs. Hopefully I’ll find something in the field of communications, social media, or blogging. I don’t have a real preference for city. I’m starting to look at smaller places like Nashville and Cincinnati. Places where the cost of living isn’t exorbitant. Places where you can still get good food and beer but don’t have to spend an hour on public transport to get there. A place I can make a home.
Even though I want some stability, I’m not looking at this move as an end or that I’m settling. I’m looking at it as an opportunity and a new beginning. I will never stop traveling, whether it’s a weekend city break in the US or a trip to Central America that I saved up all my vacation days for. And I won’t stop writing about it. Farsickness may take on a more American focus this fall, but it will still be full of stories of new places and new food.
That must have been a tough decision, especially after 4 years of being away. I’m heading back to the states myself in August and I’ve been gone for a year now. Although I’m going to save up for my next big adventure, I know I’ll eventually settle in the United States too. The thought of it is frightening and exciting at the same time!
Hannah Wasielewski recently posted..How I Learned Portuguese (and how you can learn a new language, too!)
I feel the same way! And for all I know this move back to the US won’t be permanent.
Good luck, Amanda! I’ve only been away just over a year and I feel the same. I look forward to finding out where you end up as I am going to be doing some travel in America in the fall x
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Thanks Hayley! Hopefully our paths will cross sometime in the US.
Oh man, that is so exciting! It sounds like a wise decision. I’m on my second year in Korea and going traveling for a year or more after, but I know that sooner or later I’m going to want to go back to my roots and be closer to my friends and family, but it’s terrifying. It’s hard to imagine going back to “regular” American life after so long in the expat world, but I think now you will have so much more appreciation for things you took for granted before! Soak it up girl, and good luck! I’m excited to hear how it all goes for you
It is really, really scary but sometimes you just have to face that fear, you know? Enjoy the rest of your time in Korea- I miss it so much more than I thought I would!
Best wishes Amanda! These decisions are always hard but you have made yours and I’m sure it will work out. You will still have plenty of opportunities to travel for sure! Just a thought about the visa (and not to try to change your mind but in case you have friends in a similar situation) can you not get a post- study work visa? My husband is also American and also did his masters at Goldsmiths and he was then eligible for a post study work visa, which I think lasted for 18 months before we switched it to a partner visa. This was a few years ago so it’s possible they have completely changed the rules now!
Joella J in Beijing recently posted..3 Days To Fall In Love With Bangkok
Unfortunately they did away with that visa a couple of years ago
It’s really difficult because now the burden to sponsor falls on the employers and they often can’t afford it or don’t want to deal with the hassle. But, on the plus side, I can embark on a new adventure now!
I know we’ve talked about it on and off, but I’m really, super happy for you. As I only have 4 months (eeeeeeeek) left in Vietnam, I’m sort of freaking out about what to do next. Sigh. I know that the US isn’t a viable option for me at this point, but like you, I haven’t seen my family in ages and people are having kids and getting married and I feel like I’m totally missing out on the major events in my loved ones lives.
I can’t wait to read all about your adventures, and you’re going back to the US during the best time, COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASSSONNNNNNN
YES!!!!! I am so, so, so excited to watch college football and do some serious tailgating. It will be marvelous. Even when Michigan loses every game…
And it does suck wanting to go back but not really being at that point. I’m sure you will figure out something amazing for after Vietnam
Good luck, Amanda!! I Hope your transition home is a positive one and that you can find a great job in a great city.
Karisa recently posted..Reflections on Six Months in America
Thank you so much Karisa!
This really brings back up feelings I had when I was abroad. I wasn’t there as long but I made the decision to the return to the US for pretty much the same reasons as you. I came back to Michigan and I can say… the reverse culture shock has been hard. It’s been three years since I’ve been back (almost) and I think I just got over not being in Europe about a few weeks ago. So, brace yourself for an adjustment period and be patient.
But I can say that I’m glad I came back and I was meant to, even if it has been difficult at times.
Good luck with your return!
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Yeah, when I moved back from Rome to the US it was absolutely horrible. I think it’s good that I’m more well adjusted now and used to moving around. Hopefully that will help. Thanks Erika!
I’m excited for you, hun. I know you’ve made this decision because it’s the right one for you. And wow, four years since you’ve lived in America?! I can only imagine the reverse culture shock you’ll experience – Make sure you write about it.
Hope to catch you on the other side next time I’m back in the Americas. London’s loved having you. xx
Ceri recently posted..Inspiration From my English Room
I will definitely be whining about my reverse culture shock on here
And let me know when you’re back in North America and we can chat about Korea. xx
Good luck! I Wish your conversion home is a beneficial one and that you will discover an excellent job in an excellent town.
Thanks John!
Best of luck to you! Moving back to the States after being away is scary and overwhelming, but I hope you’ll adjust quickly. At least you have all these amazing experiences under your belt!
It’s also exciting to be able to choose any city to live in
Might I suggest Austin, Texas? I lived there for four years and it’s wonderful! Lots of communications jobs out there.
Valerie recently posted..The Hunt is Over!
Thanks Valerie! I’ve definitely considered Austin as it seems to fit all of my needs and wants. I’ll have to look again
Reverse culture shock is definitely a thing. I’ve lived in Europe twice, and, though I moved back to the States years ago, I still occasionally daydream about being an expat again. The grass is always greener, as they say. But it absolutely has been worth it to be near my family (spend time with my parents, watch my cousin’s kids get born and have birthdays). There’s always something you’ll miss about the other side of the Atlantic, no matter where you choose to be. Good luck with the new stage in your life, and keep traveling!
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Thanks Melissa! I agree. I miss things about all the places I’ve lived and I guess it is just learning to how to deal with that feeling while moving on.
Sounds like a really tough decision to make. I have just retuned home after more than three years on the road and it was really difficult to decide what to do. I still don’t know what I’m going to long-term, but I know that I feel a lot less guilty about missing important moments at home. my feet are already itching though! Best of luck with your move
Christine @thetraveloguer recently posted..The Best Food in Adelaide, Australia
Thanks Christine! I’m glad to hear you are comfortable with your decision even if you still are wanting to get back out there.
This has really struck a cord with me. I’m back in Ireland after spending the best part of 4 years in different countries. I missed my friends hugely and one of the big things for me was them all getting engaged and the thoughts of me missing their weddings.
Best of luck in the move back
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Yeah, I had to miss two of my friends’ weddings when I was in Asia and it was heartbreaking. Thanks for the comment Fiona!
Wow! Exciting and scary all at the same time! I don’t know how I would feel moving back to the US either, I know what you mean about not feeling American enough, that made me laugh. I feel similarly, I always have a guilt when I end a skype call with my niece and nephew or I miss someone’s engagement or birthday. It’s hard to be away. Good luck getting back into it, but good luck first with your dissertation!
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I’m glad to can relate
And thanks for the well wishes, especially on the dissertation. I’m going to need all the luck I can get!
I could’ve written this post last summer. In fact, I kind of did. For me it was moving back after two years in Spain and a summer trying to make Germany work for me. Best of luck with the re-adjustment. Reverse culture shock will definitely get you!
Personally, I’ve been back in the States for 10 months now and am now gearing up for more wandering.
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Once a wanderer, always a wanderer it seems
Thanks for the comment and enjoy your future travels!
I fear this day to no end, but if you know the time is right, it’s right! Best of luck!
Alex, Speaking Denglish recently posted..MY MUNICH HOME: MOVE-IN DAY
Thanks, Alex
Who knows what the future might hold, I could be back out of the US in a few months…